To be puffed up is to be boastful, exaggerate one’s own abilities, to show-off or to one-up others. It is uncomfortable to be around those who are puffed up in this way. But more often than not, these behaviors stem from feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Sometimes a realization of the underlying insecurities can elicit a measure of compassion when dealing with that type of individual. Another way being puffed up is manifest is in an attitude of “I am too good for that.” For example, a college professor not willing to lower himself to teaching a Sunday school class, thinking his expertise shouldn’t be wasted on children. Or a Julliard-trained musician unwilling to lend her support to a choir of amateurs, rationalizing, “I’m a professional musician and should be spending my efforts on projects for which I will be paid appropriately.” These attitudes have no place in a charitable heart. A charitable person sees value in contributing whatever he can, whenever and wherever he can, grateful for the chance to share his skills. A charitable person doesn’t value himself above another because of his skills or experience, but realizes those things are his to be a support to others. Neither will a charitable person diminish himself. More on that next time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
charity envieth not
We are all familiar with feelings of jealousy, at least I hope I’m not the only one. These feelings arise out of experiencing the unfairness of life. Feeling that I should have what she has, she doesn’t appreciate it, she hasn’t earned it, she doesn’t deserve it, but I do. The truth of it is that life really is not fair. Rather than resent it or try to analyze it, or even change that fact, I have discovered that it is better to accept it and do the best with what life has allotted me. I realized a long time ago that for the most part, none of us deserve anything we have, or have experienced, good OR bad. Did I deserve my wonderful children? Did others deserve their challenging children? Did I deserve my troublesome marriage and others deserve their happily-ever-afters? Is any of this fair? No. Am I entitled to have things different from what I have created for myself? No. Things are what they are, sometimes because of our choices and hard work, sometimes because of others’ choices and hard work. And so what is the answer to the green-eyed monster? It is gratitude. Only gratitude for our own circumstances, whatever they are, can help us overcome those tendencies to compare what we have, or don’t have, with what others have. Only gratitude can bring us to that charitable frame of mind where we “envieth not.”
Saturday, February 4, 2012
kindness continued
I had three little boys and one on the way when we moved to Omaha. Until our base housing was available, we camped out in a hotel room on the outskirts of town. Our first day at church, the children and I attended alone because my husband had thrown out his back that morning and was in the hospital. The ward welcomed us with open arms and upon finding out that my husband was in the hospital, immediately set to work with a service plan that included my leaving the children with a sister each morning for 2 hours while I visited my husband, checked our PO box, went to the laundromat, etc. I was very appreciative of the help. When I went to pick up the children one day, it was very obvious that the sister was glad to have the ordeal of serving me over with. She ushered us out of her home quickly, and I felt we all had been a terrible imposition on her. The next day was quite a different experience. This sister, seeing I had laundry, offered to do that for me while she watched the boys, saving me a trip to the laundromat. When I came back it was clean and folded in the baskets. She told me what a delight it was to have the boys, she had only girls and they really enjoyed being around the boys. We had a lovely visit while she fed us a nice lunch, then she dished up half of her supper, a simmering stew, to take home with us for our supper. Any feelings I had of imposing, especially by her doing so much more that just what was required of her, were swept away by her kindness. I realized that her kindness validated her service. Perhaps her kindness even sanctified her service. As we left, I graciously thanked her for all she had done for us that day. She smiled warmly and said, “You would do the same for me.” I hope so…
Friday, February 3, 2012
Charity is kind
Several years ago, a woman wrote to an advice column to share this story:
I was away at college when I met the man of my dreams. We dated a few months and I was ecstatic when he asked me to marry him. My mother came to town one weekend and I was anxious for her to meet my sweetheart, so the three of us went out to dinner that first night. When he left the table for a few minutes I asked my mother what she thought of him. I reviewed all the things I found so attractive, his good looks, his nice job, etc. When I finished, she had only one thing to say, a question, “But is he kind?” I hadn’t even thought about it; I hadn’t even noticed. But I paid attention after that and discovered that even though he had many good and desirable qualities, kindness was not one of them. I called off the engagement. A few years later I met another man of my dreams. He, too, had many good and desirable qualities, and I was happy to report to my mother, “Yes, he is very kind.” And we have been happily married 22 years now.
Kindness takes so little effort but pays huge dividends, for both the giver and the receiver. Kindness is never wasted, especially when shown to children and strangers. Kindness is itself a service, and kindness validates service. More on that tomorrow.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Charity suffereth long, and is kind
Although Mormon probably intended these to be separate items on his list of charitable virtues, I’d like to comment on their connection to each other. Several years ago I witnessed an exchange between a gentleman and a hotel clerk. The clerk was quite rude to the gentleman, but throughout the 5-minute exchange, the gentleman remained calm, very pleasant, and polite. As he wrapped up his business and walked away, I stopped him to ask about his reaction, or non-reaction to the rudeness he had experienced. He taught me some valuable lessons. “By nature I am a very polite and pleasant person. I am comfortable with who I am and don’t think it is necessary to let someone else’s rudeness influence who I am. Also, I have found that pleasantness in the face of rudeness can be rather disarming. If I return rudeness for rudeness, I give him justification for his behavior towards me. But by remaining kind, I give him no justification for his rudeness. I have found, too, that it is a kind and compassionate thing to give others the benefit of the doubt. I think to myself, ‘Perhaps he is exhausted or ill; perhaps he is upset about a family matter; perhaps he just dealt with an angry customer right before me.’ Those things don’t excuse his rudeness, but that way of thinking serves to help me try to understand him. Kindness is a way to take the high road, but it is also a way to invite another along on that road, lifting him to a better place, and that is worth the effort, don’t you think?” I had to agree.
More on being kind tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Suffereth long
I have come to realize that when the scriptures say that love suffereth long it does not mean that a person needs to “suffer for a long time” to become charitable. As strange as it seems to me now, I think I did have that warped understanding of this phrase for many years, counting it a virtue, and a necessary one at that, that I suffer in a very unhappy marriage relationship. But our relationships, particularly a marriage relationship, are not designed to make martyrs of any of us. After my 30-year marriage ended I was quite surprised at the immediate relief from suffering I felt. But I was also surprised at the many women who approached me with their own stories of unhappy marriages, countless years of suffering, and their belief also that it was a necessary part of life and would, somehow, make them into charitable women. Thinking of one woman in particular, married 45 years now, makes me marvel. She told me of an incident when she had cleaned out the shed in the back yard, setting aside a few items she wasn’t quite sure what her husband would want her to do with (give away, throw away, keep, etc.). She went inside to clean up and ready herself for an appointment then went out to the yard where her husband was laying sod. She asked him about those items and he was so incensed that she would interrupt him that he drenched her with the hose. She calmly went back inside and cleaned herself up again. There were many other such incidents. But I discovered that it isn’t her suffering that has made her charitable, it is her attitude, her determination to stay positive and not let the suffering be a burden for her to bear. She did not let her husband make a martyr out of her. And now I wonder if the phrase “suffereth long” might possibly mean maintaining your dignity and optimism through the trials and tribulations of life. It is certainly a charitable person who can do that.
