rejoiceth in the truth, continued

How many of us are truthful when asked, “How are you?” I will always say something like “Great,” if only to move on to the business at hand. Perhaps I sense the question is more rhetorical, they don’t really want an answer. Perhaps I feel the question, or rather the answer, is too personal to share with some people. This type of truth-withholding is especially damaging in the marriage relationship, and I think it is caused by the underlying fear, “You can’t handle the truth.” A classic example is that of a wife who asks her husband, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” The husband is immediately backed into a corner from which there is no escape. She does not want the truth, she will stomp off in a huff if he hints at the truth, yet he doesn’t want her embarrassed in public by wearing an outfit that accentuates the negative. If she asks how he likes the new dish she prepared, he is back in that same corner. Even a carefully worded comment about his preferring a little less salt could send her off into a tirade about how he doesn’t like anything, he is impossible to please, or, just as bad, into the silent sulk. But if he fakes enjoyment, he will be in for a lifetime of something not quite to his liking. Husbands can dish it out, too. A wife may express a need or desire that he interprets as a personal attack, causing him to react in anger, storm out screaming, “I can’t do anything right!” These types of exchanges move them both away from truth, and away from each other, allowing fear and resentment to grow. Loving anyone should carry with it a commitment to accept and respect truth. Only in honest sharing can conflicts be placed in proper perspective and have a chance of compromise and resolution. Only when we rejoiceth in truth can the marriage bond be strengthened enough to withstand the storms of life.

but rejoiceth in the truth

Years ago I heard the story of a young boy who wrote a complete sentence for the first time and took it in to show his mother. She was thrilled with his sentence and praised him for his good work. He then took it in to show his father, who was also very impressed, and praised him, but said, “Let’s fix the spelling on this one word.” The boy was very disappointed, not in his Dad, but in his mother. He went back to her with the question, “Why didn’t you tell me I’d spelled a word wrong?” This boy was very wise, he was one of the few who rejoiceth in the truth. He wanted honest feedback. While the praise was good, he prized the honesty more. In general, children love the truth, but we train them out of it, by either ignoring their truth (as in this example) or by our overreactions to their truths. When a child’s mistake brings Dad’s wrath, swift and harsh, it doesn’t make him make fewer mistakes, it makes him less likely to elicit Dad’s help in correcting his mistakes, and less likely to learn from his mistakes. When his needs for food or rest are dismissed by busy mother, tired of his “whining,” he learns that his needs are to be ignored, he learns to deny who he really is, because, after all, we are the sum of our feelings, needs, desires. And so, it is a very loving thing to allow another to express their truth openly, without fear of anger or rejection. And it is a very loving thing to accept another’s truth, to be grateful he trusts you enough to share his truth, to rejoice in the truth that is his.

Adult relationships also have trouble with the truth. This deserves its own discussion tomorrow…

rejoiceth not in iniquity

There is a phrase we hear occasionally, “she is in her element.” To be in one’s element means that one is doing precisely what one was born to do, that at which one is naturally good, that for which one has a passion. You know you are in your element when time loses all meaning, hours seem but minutes, and you don’t tire of what you are doing. Being in your element makes you feel alive, excited, fulfilled. You are anxious to get back to it, reluctant to stop; eating and sleeping seem like unnecessary distractions. Wise parents are sensitive to their children and the emergence of an “element.” They offer many opportunities for their children to explore and discover what their passion is, respecting the fact that they came to earth with it, taking care not to force them into their own ideas of what they should become. Some do find their element as children, others in college or beyond, but everyone has at least one. It could be anything from genealogy to astronomy, music to medicine, meteorology or mothering. The greatest accomplishments happen when people are in their element. I mention this because for some people, goodness is their element. They are good at being good, it comes naturally to them. They are happiest when they are helping and serving others, it makes them feel alive, excited, fulfilled. These people are good because they are loving and I believe they are counted among those who “rejoiceth not in iniquity.”

thinketh no evil

A friend shared a very interesting experience she had several years ago. She is normally a very kind and loving person, hardly one with even the least tendency toward evil-thinking, but one day had a most profound experience of having any and every disposition to do evil lifted from her. It was as though she became immune to any negative influence and became a heavenly being. She described it as losing all of her carnal nature, and said it was a marvelous feeling to be so unencumbered. It lasted barely a day before it began to “wear off.” She was very grateful for the experience and felt it to be a glimpse into who she really is, who she has the power to be, someday as she progresses in her charitable nature to that level of perfection where she consistently and naturally “thinketh no evil.” That is a possibility for each of us!

not easily provoked

Being easily provoked means one is quick to anger. Those who are easily provoked tend to jump to negative conclusions, judge harshly, assume the worst about individuals, act impulsively, and are reluctant to changes their minds. Often these individuals rationalize their behavior to be a virtue, calling it "being decisive" or being a "good judge of people." I know of one man estranged from his niece because of a misunderstanding. Although she has made many attempts at reconciliation, he is determined to keep her out of his life. Rather than react so swiftly and harshly, a charitable person would think to himself, "I am surprised she said that, it is quite out of character for her; perhaps I have misunderstood her intent. I will give her the benefit of the doubt." He could even be more direct and calmly say, "Are you just joking around, or did you mean that as an insult?" This allows clarity to replace misunderstanding. A wise man once said, "Do not attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by ignorance." It is a good standard for those who would be counted among the charitable who are not easily provoked.

seeketh not her own

This phrase is another way of saying "not selfish", reminding us that part of loving is considering others' needs and desires. This comes from a genuine respect for others as individuals, as human beings, and the desire for others' welfare. But it must also take into account one's own value as a human being and respect for your own needs and desires. A selfish individual will always satisfy herself first, while a martyr will always put others first. Neither is truly loving. But a charitable person wisely balances the needs/desires of both in such a way that neither will be found wanting. Airplane safety instructions remind adults to "secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs." This is a good pattern to follow. While there may be times of crisis that necessitate sacrificing your own needs to take care of another's first, you are much better equipped to handle another's crisis when you yourself are in good shape. Often it is a matter of assessing and prioritizing the needs of many parties. While their needs may be urgent, your own need may be vital, and vital always trumps urgent.

a word on humility

Charity is not puffed up by false bravado, but neither should it be demeaned by false humility. There is a balance somewhere in there where an individual understands and accepts the reality of who he really is, his strengths and weaknesses. Only by recognizing strengths can we build upon them; only by recognizing our weaknesses can we overcome them. When one knows who he really is, he realizes that there is no advantage for him to pretend to be more than he is or to pretend that he is less than he is. This is the place of true integrity and, I believe, the only place where there is true peace and harmony within oneself. This quote from Nelson Mandela says it best:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest God’s glory within us. It’s not in just some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Nelson Mandela, inaugural address)