One of the biggest challenges of parenting is knowing what your child wants and needs. For parents of a baby it is learning to read the cries and figuring out which one means “clean diaper, please” and which one means “I’m hungry”. A parent learns quickly that misreading “play with me” as “I want a nap” only creates frustration on the part of the child and stress on the part of the parent. It doesn’t get better when the child learns to talk, for I discovered that children often don’t know what they need, they just know that they don’t feel good. It is easy for them to confuse tiredness with hunger. And feeding a tired child only momentarily and temporarily relieves his anxiety. Teenagers are more challenging as their needs get more complex. They think they need freedom when they really need limits; a parent thinks they need discipline when what they really need is compassion and understanding. It is easy for teenagers to confuse their needs as well; they often treat their exhaustion with food, giving them only temporary relief.
Even adults can have difficulty knowing what they need and want in life. I know a woman who is constantly redecorating her home. In the few years I’ve known her, every room in her home has had two or three different makeovers as she tries somehow to be happy. I know a man who buys cars that he doesn’t need (much to the frustration of his wife and the neighbors) as though he is trying to fill a need that he just quite can’t put his finger on. It is a true fact of life that “you can never have enough of what you don’t need, for that which you don’t need can never satisfy”. We’ve all wondered at Imelda Marcos and her shoes!
A couple of years ago a friend said to me, “I hope you find what you want in life.” You see, I had learned to ignore so many of my needs and wants over the years that I had to be reawakened to the idea that I DO have needs, I DO have wants.
So much of “knowing who you are” is figuring out what you want and what you need out of life. Only then can you set about getting those needs and wants fulfilled; only then will your life be everything it can be and will you be everything you are meant to be.
3 comments:
Figuring out the difference between wants and needs is certainly part of what fuels our passion for life. It may even be at the core. On Sunday, I was riding along in my car with my son. We had been to a benefit performance (he sings)for another church's fundraiser. We circled the block looking for a place to park. On the opposite side of the building I spotted a man wrapped up in a blanket, asleep for the day. My son I had quite a conversation about wants and needs. We talked about being homeless as this man obviously was. This very issue about the difference between wants and needs came up. It has been my experience that some are homeless out of need (nowhere to go & nothing to do), and some are homeless out of want (some want to be off the grid and without responsibility). While these two groups have differences, I think they are alike in this one thing for sure. They lack understanding about the true nature of wants and needs, or what actually fuels the proper passion for life itself. I know there are all kinds of drivers for what makes people do what they do. For instance, the third group that find themselves on the streets because they have been rejected by their parents that do not fit exactly into the two groups above. These young people yearn for that which they need most in life -stable, predictable, and loving relationships. While some kids like this are on the streets out of choice (blinded by someone or something), others are kicked out to the streets. Either way, the relationship issue is at play. As I see it from my vantage point, learning the difference between needs and wants is another of the pieces we MUST pick up if we are to stay on the true path of getting to the "one thing". I often wonder how I came to be so blessed as to not end up on the street either out of choice or neglect of self...How sweet my good fortune has been since the first bite.
Even another challenge is aligning our wants and needs to our Father in Heaven's will. That has been a pursuit I have been on for the last several years. Hopefully I'll be able to learn firsthand from Him when the veil is gone that somehow I managed to align these earthly needs and wants with His ultimate goal for our little family. It's a hard task to feed our various passions and feel fulfilled without feeling empty in some way because often one sacrifice for a greater need leaves me feeling just a little mournful for the sacrificed want. (i.e. I need to stay home with the kids as much as possible right now while they are young. But, I want and also kind of need to feel useful in society in a role aside from motherhood). Right now it seems as though those two things cannot be reconciled in the exact way that I would wish. Alas, the search for the greater good that can replace my current "want." What a timely post. ;)
to Jamie, I've noticed, too, that feelings of being victimized create a terrible despair that is difficult to overcome. And then there is the attitude of entitlement KG mentioned a while ago that is so prevalent today (but don't get me on that soap box)!
to Jackie, things have a way of working out for the best, perhaps this turn of events will give you time to work on your book, pick up the flute choir again... think of the possibilities!
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