communication

In his book, Making Love Last Forever, Gary Smalley shares Dr. Gary Oliver’s insights on the five levels of communication.

In the first level, we speak in clichés: “How are you?” “I’m fine.” Just as easily spoken to a stranger as to a loved one, yet very superficial as far as intimacy goes.

In the second level, we share facts: “It’s supposed to snow today.” “So & so won the election.” Information exchanges, but still on a fairly safe level.

At the third level, we state our opinions, “I really enjoyed that rock concert.” “I sure don’t like the policies of the president.” Sharing opinions can be risky, for others may not appreciate or share our opinions, which may lead to a conflict.

The fourth level is when we say what we feel, “What you said really hurt me.” “I feel angry when you don’t listen to me.” Opening ourselves up this way is definitely risky; our feelings define who we are so when our feelings are dismissed or ridiculed, our esteem takes a hit.

The fifth level is where we share our needs, “I need some quiet time alone.” “I need to spend some time with you.” We share needs with an expectation that those hearing them will understand us and at least try to accommodate us out of their love for us. If those expressed needs are tossed aside, the relationship suffers. We doubt that we are loved.

Moving to deeper levels of communication requires safety. If we try to share feelings with a specific individual but find it is not a safe place, we become reluctant to share feelings again, preferring to move to the safer level of “opinions.” If that, too, proves to be unsafe, we will speak in “facts” or “clichés” only. Imagine a friendship, marriage, or parent-child relationship having any kind of emotional intimacy if the communication seldom moves deeper than the “cliché” or “fact” level. On the other hand, in a safe, loving environment, where individuals can freely share, not only opinions, but also their deepest feelings and needs, the individuals share an intimacy that both nourishes and strengthens each of them. Not only can they be their complete and true selves, they can open the door to an even more powerful level of intimacy and communication.
More tomorrow…