would that I could

“Would” is an interesting word and used in certain ways can have an unintended meaning.  For example, “We would ask that you park on the north side of the building,” Implies that if the circumstances were different, we would ask that of you, but since they aren’t, well, go ahead and do whatever you want.”  Rather than say, “We would ask that you park on the north side of the building,”  say simply, “We ask that you park on the north side of the building.”  Or even better, “Please park on the north side of the building.”   

                We often hear the phrase, “I would agree with you.”  This is rather non-committal and I am often tempted to ask, “You WOULD agree with me, or you DO agree with me?  You would agree with me if I were to change my mind about it?  You would agree with me if no one else were around to hear you say it?  What is it you are saying, exactly?”

                 A popular hymn says, “Lord, I would follow Thee,” which implies, “If things were different, I would follow Thee…”  “If it were easier, I would follow Thee…”  “If I didn’t have better things to do, I would follow Thee…”  I think that word, more often than not, should be replaced with the word “will.”  It ups the level of commitment considerably from “I would if I could, but I can’t,”  to “Yes! Of course I will!”

If only...

A long while ago I started a series of posts about the English language and its demise (see posts titled “The English Monster” and “So What”).  Perhaps now is a good time to continue the series, as we prepare to start school once again.

                One of the most misplaced words in the English language is the word “only.”  A classic is “You only live once,” which, of course, should be, “You live only once” (since living isn’t the only thing one does only once).  Another is, “I only have eyes for you” Which would mean more if worded, “I have eyes for only you.”  The word “only” is an adjective and should be placed in a sentence right before the word it is qualifying.  For example, “I only have six dollars,” should be,  “I have only six dollars.” The number six is the word that “only” is describing.

                 “Only” is often misplaced in advertisements, “This sale only happens once a year” (the sale doesn’t end, it only happens?).  “You only pay shipping and handling” (you only pay, you don’t get anything?).  “You can only find it at Walmart”  (you cannot buy it there?).    

                My children had a poster in their rooms while growing up titled, “My Gospel Standards,” one of which is “I will only listen to music that is pleasing to Heavenly Father.”  You can imagine my frustration; I think it is also acceptable to “play”  or “dance to” or “sing” music that is pleasing to Heavenly Father.  I noticed that the poster has been updated and now includes, “I will only read and watch things that are pleasing to Heavenly Father.”  Where does that leave those who want to “write” or “speak” or “do” things that are pleasing to Heavenly Father? 

                And so, as you mind your Ps and Qs, watch that you put “only” only where it belongs…

so what?

“So” is a lovely word that can be used properly in many ways: I love you so much! I’ll see you at 10:00 or so. I’ll go to bed early so (that) I can get up early tomorrow. However, the word “so” has come to be used as an oral punctuation mark, an oral period at the end of a sentence: “We got back from our trip to the Bahamas last night and it was very hard to get back in our routine this morning, so…” Whatever the sentence, when it ends with “so” I want to scream “So WHAT?” Using that word at the end of the sentence implies that the speaker isn’t finished, it begs the listener not to tune out yet, there’s going to be more. It was hard to get back in the routine so that’s why you’re late today? So that’s why you want me to take over your duties this morning? So you want to tell me about your vacation? WHAT? “So” isn’t the only oral punctuation mark; the word “or” functions as a question mark at the end of a sentence: “Did you want to ride with me, or?” Or WHAT? Or ride with someone else? Or take my own car? Or stay home? If you’re giving me a choice here, then by all means tell me the choices. When these words are used as punctuation, it constitutes very sloppy English and it is becoming rampant in our society, driving me (and other English connoisseurs) crazy…so

Please don’t use those lovely words that horrid way!

(Hah! You thought I was going to do it!)