My divorce was final four years ago today. It seems ironic that it happened so close to my favorite holiday, Valentine's Day, and just shy of our thirtieth anniversary on February 17th. And yet it is what it is. I did much soul-searching during those years leading up to the divorce and also these years since, and today take a break from my "Love is..." to share these thoughts I wrote a year ago...
What
My Divorce Taught me about Marriage
I am from a broken home. My two brothers and I were born in the
covenant, but my parents divorced when I was seven years old. They each re-married and had other children,
making for two blended families. These experiences
created enough turmoil in my life that I determined not to do that to my own
children. I thought that certainly I
could avoid making the same mistakes as my parents, I could work harder to make
my marriage work—after all, my patriarchal blessing promised me a loving
marriage and valiant children. I did
avoid some of the same mistakes as my parents.
I managed to keep my marriage together for 30 years, postponing divorce
until my youngest two were in high school.
But in the aftermath, and having gone through the healing process, I
realize I made plenty of my own mistakes, largely due to some unhealthy
attitudes or beliefs I had about marriage.
These unhealthy attitudes contributed to behaviors in my marriage
relationship that led us on the pathway to the divorce I so desperately wanted
to avoid. I have also discovered that I
am not alone; many others believe the same myths about marriage, especially
temple marriage.
MYTH # 1 A common gospel base is enough for a
successful, happy marriage
As a young person I had the idea
that any two people who are living the gospel can have a happy, successful
marriage. So when I got on in years and
saw my dreams of a family slipping away from me, I settled on the one guy who
was half-way interested in me. He was
temple worthy and kept the commandments.
How could I go wrong? He had been
back from his mission 3 years and was approaching that menace-to-society age of
25. I was temple worthy, kept the
commandments and was skilled in the homemaking and child-rearing arts. How could he go wrong? While having a mutual love for the gospel is
extremely important, it cannot compensate for a deep and abiding love for each
other, born of true compatibility. If
all a couple has in common is the gospel, their marriage will lack the
richness, joy and excitement possible with shared interests, common opinions
and similar priorities. Even devout
members of the Church can have very different opinions about money,
child-rearing, politics, and a hundred other things, creating countless
opportunities for them to be at odds.
They may even differ in what they need, want, or expect in a marriage
relationship. While my husband and I
were “willing” to marry each other, that willingness couldn’t compensate for a
lack of compatibility in the other areas.
Marrying without that crucial element makes the marriage covenant only a
glorified business arrangement, leading to disappointment and heartache through
the years.
MYTH #2 He who presides decides
Many men, by virtue of their
priesthood and their role as patriarch in the home, also assume the role of
authoritarian, making unilateral decisions on everything from finances to the
temperature on the thermostat. The
takeover is often so gradual as to be imperceptible to the dutiful wife,
especially if she believes that her role is to submit to his authority. She is so anxious to be a “good” wife that
she tries to please him by letting him have his way, or she grows so afraid of
conflict that she finds it easier to defer than to share her opinions and
desires. As men progress in the
priesthood, accepting more “important” callings, there is a tendency for some
to become even more authoritative at home.
While one spouse becomes stronger, demanding more and more control, the
other becomes weaker, throwing the whole marriage into a very unhealthy
balance. Instead of being “equally
yoked,” they become like the farmer and his ox—one driving the other. They may forget that any attempt to take
control of a spouse is an attempt to usurp their agency, a dangerous breech of
authority called unrighteous dominion
(see D&C 121). Ideally a
husband and wife are equal partners with a cooperative synergy that makes the
whole much more than the sum of their parts.
A husband who doesn’t value is wife’s counsel and experience closes the
door on his greatest asset. A wife who
is not allowed to be her husband’s partner or to contribute fully to the
success of the marriage and family will find her spirit wither away as her full
potential gets wasted and neglected.
Both the husband and wife need to guard against an imbalance of power
creeping into their marriage relationship by recognizing its symptoms early and
taking measures to stop it.
MYTH #3 He
doesn’t beat me so things must be fine.
As the marriage relationship took
its toll on me, my mantra became, “At least he doesn’t beat me.” Looking back, I can see the many ways he did beat me, spiritually and
emotionally. Although I was a strong and
capable woman when we married, as certain of his behaviors escalated over the
years, I was diminished as a person.
Those behaviors included criticism, demeaning comments, angry outbursts,
blame, unreasonable demands and expectations, lack of compassion, unfair
accusations, refusal to discuss differences, even making decisions for me that
I could make for myself. Rather than
defend myself from his behavior, I allowed
it to become acceptable, in effect, letting it become a slow poison to the
relationship and to me. I took it
willingly, first believing that I was serving the relationship, then believing
that I deserved no better—after all, I had chosen to marry him. The truth is, accepting his mistreatment of
me did not serve our relationship at all, it caused me to become very
resentful, and it caused him to continue the inappropriate behavior, hindering
his progression. For example, rather
than learning to control his anger, he learned that his anger could control
me. Also, we don’t necessarily deserve the things that happen to
us—good or bad. But we are agents unto ourselves and are to act, not be acted
upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). Although I
didn’t realize it, I had power to change what was happening; I was the one who
relinquished that power and became, in effect, acted upon, to the point that it
even affected my health. A well-meaning
friend insisted, “Even though he doesn’t treat you well now, in the hereafter
he will be different, he will be celestial.”
But that idea is also a myth; Amulek taught that our spirit will be the
same in the resurrection, who we are now will be who we are then (see Alma
34:34).
MYTH #4 Our
temple marriage means we have to stay together.
I have always believed that the
temple sealing was a binding commitment the couple made with God and each other
that they would stay together no matter what.
I suspect some enter into a temple marriage believing, “I don’t have to
be good to him/her, he/she has to
stay with me.” Equally disturbing is the
partner who believes, “I have to stay, no matter how badly he/she
treats me—I made a covenant to stay.” Those
attitudes are very dangerous and when coupled can plunge a marriage into a
hopeless situation, each partner believing, “Why try?” Both attitudes are far from the truth of what
a temple marriage covenant is. The
marriage covenant is a commitment that we will treat our spouse in a celestial/Christ-like
way so that we will want to be together
eternally and so that the Holy Spirit of Promise will ratify the sealing ordinance, binding us together eternally. Being eternally together is not automatic; it
is the reward for having loved each
other well during earth life. Being
eternally bound to someone with whom you are miserable would make eternity a
hell, not a heaven. Remember that the sealing powers also include the power to
“loose” (see D&C 124:93).
Many believe that there is something
noble about enduring to the end of a miserable relationship. It helps to know that the phrase “endure to
the end” properly refers to our testimony of Christ—we are to remain true to
Christ until the end; we “endure all things” required of us as true disciples
of Christ. A cancer patient is no less a
disciple of Christ if he takes medication to manage his pain rather than endure
the pain until the end. A person is no
less a disciple of Christ if they take measures to stop/prevent the pain
inflicted by a spouse.
Someone told me that I had to stay married, my six children
were born in the covenant and if my sealing ordinance were canceled, my
children would lose their link to eternal lineage. That is another myth; the truth is, each of us
is entitled to eternal lineage according to our own faithfulness, not that of
another. How would a loving father link
the happiness of some to the misery of others; surely he wants all of us to be
happy. Some details will be worked out
in the resurrection.
Although I felt a tremendous burden
lift from me the first time my husband suggested divorce, I assured him I
didn’t want a divorce, I would try harder. And I did try harder, even though I felt no
improvement in our relationship. A few
months later he suggested again that we divorce and I reluctantly agreed. The burden lifted again and I knew that
divorce was the right thing for us, for me.
The divorce process went quickly and in spite of the relief I felt, I
still wondered if I had done all I could to save the marriage. I pondered these things on my next temple
visit and the Spirit said to me, “It is enough.” Although divorce is regrettable and often
tragic, it is not a sin. I had kept my
covenant to treat him in a celestial way.
I had supported him well in his career and many church callings; managed
the home beautifully and raised his six wonderful and capable children. I had been the very best wife and mother I could
be. I realized that even consenting to
the divorce was a gesture of compassion, for it freed him up to find someone
with whom he could have a relationship
that would be ratified by the Holy
Spirit of Promise.
As for me, these words from the Book
of Mormon come to mind, “…they poured out their thanks to God because he had
been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of
bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were
the Lord their God” (see Mosiah 24:21).
The Lord has been very merciful to me, throughout the years in a very
unhappy marriage, throughout the divorce process, and now through the healing
process. I hope others can learn from my
experience, avoid the mistakes that I made and have the happy relationships
that they desire. I hope that couples
will love each other enough to face their challenges with the gentle invitation,
“Come, let us reason together.”
Discussion
questions:
- What do my spouse and I each
need/want from our relationship? How can I meet those needs?
- What do we like to do
together? How can we improve our compatibility?
- Does my spouse value my
perspective and seek my opinion? Are we equally yoked?
- Am I free to be myself when
I am with my spouse? Can I be honest with my spouse?
- Am I afraid of my spouse for
any reason? Is my spouse afraid of me?
- Is what is important to me
also important to my spouse? Do we have the same priorities?
- Does my spouse minimize me
as a person, or help me blossom into my very best self?
- Does my marriage bring joy
into my life? Am I hoping we can be
together eternally?
- Does our relationship meet
the standards of a celestial relationship, or do we need to make some
changes?
