Holidays

                During that shadowy time between sleep and waking, as my mind gradually enters consciousness, I orient myself to where I am and also to when I am.  I lay hold on what day of the week it is, so as to know how to approach the day; is it a school day, the Sabbath day…  I also try to grasp the time of year, the season, so as to know what I can expect from the weather.  All this wheel-turning happens in a few seconds and it usually doesn’t take long to become oriented for the day.  But I have noticed that the last year or so it has been taking longer to wrap my mind around the time of year.  And I think I know why.

                Losing  Jesse has lowered my emotional capacity to celebrate.  This is understandable as part of the grieving process.  I have not had the emotional energy one needs to decorate the house for each holiday, plan special meals for special days, share special treats with neighbors and friends.  For example, it used to be that we hosted an Independence devotional/breakfast for our neighbors each 4^th of July.  This year I did nothing but peak through the curtains after dark to see a few minutes of fireworks off in the distance.  It is not that I appreciate my country less (although I will admit I am very worried about what is happening right now), but I just didn’t want/need any more celebrating than that.

                But what has happened to me during that shadowy time each morning has taught me the importance of celebrating holidays.  Holidays are the way we emotionally mark the passage of time; they are the mile markers of our lives. Special days give us something to look forward to, and we tend to remember events in our lives according to the happenings of special days: remember that Christmas when…  that happened on Labor Day… I know it was before Halloween… 

                During this past year or so that I have not celebrated (or only minimally celebrated) any holidays it has been difficult for me to pinpoint the progress of my days and I find myself almost confused at times, “Memorial Day is coming up, no, that was last month. How come I didn’t remember that?  Oh, that’s right, I didn’t do anything to celebrate…”

                Now that I have realized these things, I can be more aware of my need to celebrate, and perhaps muster the emotional energy it takes to “rejoice and be glad.”  Perhaps, too, celebrating will help the healing process.