Love is Wanting the Same Kind of Relationship

I suppose that everyone who goes through a divorce ponders in their own mind, “What went wrong?”  For years leading up to my divorce I always assumed my failing relationship was my fault, that I wasn’t trying hard enough.  And so I tried harder.  But since the divorce, through all my reading, studying, and pondering of the “why,” I have come to believe, or at least suspect, that we didn’t even want the same kind of relationship.  I wanted a deeply emotional relationship, such as what I have talked about this month (and every February since I began this blog).  I think he was satisfied with a very superficial relationship, one more like a business agreement.  All too often my attempts to connect with him on a deeper level were met with dismissal, if not derision.  If he were asked, he would probably insist he was a very good husband, and I suppose by his definition and standard he was.  Yet I was starving for more than he was willing to give, wanting an entirely different kind of relationship.  While I was trying very hard to be the kind of wife I envisioned in the type of relationship I wanted, he expected the kind of wife he envisioned in the type of relationship he wanted.  And they were two very different things.  Although by my standard I was a very good wife, by his standard I failed miserably, he even told me so.  Yet when people are courting, and they talk about how many children they want, what kind of house they want… they don’t really talk about what kind of relationship they want.  They seem to think that it will somehow fall into an agreeable place on its own.  If you ask me, it is one of the most important topics for discussion.

Love is Conversation

Emotional intimacy depends a great deal on a couple’s willingness and ability to share who they are, their opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes…  the more they share the deeper their level of intimacy.  It is a known fact, however, that women like to talk (some would argue, need to talk) much more than men do.  It can be painful for men to have to listen to all those words, those endless details of the experience she is recounting.  He is probably thinking, “Just cut to the chase; give me the bottom line; do you know how to make a long story short?”  On the other hand, she is uncomfortable with his grunts and short phrases, wishing he would share more, wondering why he doesn’t like to talk.  She may be thinking, “He doesn’t love me anymore.”  And so, here are a few hints to make conversation more effective and enjoyable.  TIMING: Do not try to have a conversation during a sporting event he is watching, or while she is calming a child in the middle of a melt-down.  Do not wake your partner up unless it is extremely important.  Do not try to have a conversation when either is feeling angry or frustrated, wait until things have calmed down a bit, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk?”  TIME: Ladies, do not burden him by your sharing, respect the fact that he cannot hear all you may want to say; learn to be concise, stay on point, and slow down enough to let him hear and absorb what you are saying.  If you are just venting, tell him so up front so he doesn’t feel the need to give you advice.  Men, it helps to be honest, “I’m sorry, I’m getting bogged down in the details, can you give me the Reader’s Digest version for right now?”  Try really hard to focus and listen; remember, she probably doesn’t need you to solve her dilemma, she just needs someone to listen to her while she works through it in her own mind.  Offer sincere words of encouragement and support.  If your mind is saturated, be honest about it, “Can we finish this in a little bit, I think I need time to let it all sink in.”  And then ladies, don’t take his honesty personally; be glad he is honest instead of resentful.  TOPICS: Remember the hierarchy of topics, beginning on the low end with people and moving up to events, and then ideas.  Talk about things you both enjoy discussing.  Men, your wife will be so thrilled if you initiate a conversation.  And if your are the one to start, you get to choose the topic.  ACCEPTANCE: Even if you disagree, you can learn so much about each other if you keep the discussion going in a calm and accepting way, seeking first to understand and then to be understood. Many a person learns to clam up when a spouse gets angry during a conversation or rejects their honest input. They will go away thinking, “I’m sorry I brought that up; I’ll never do that again.” That is devastating to a relationship, leading to less sharing, less intimacy.  Happy talk, one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

Love is Manners

Why is it that people are so polite to each other during the courtship period, even during the honeymoon period, and then gradually lose politeness until they treat strangers better than the very person they profess to love?  Does it just become too much trouble to say please and thank you?  Does he think she loves him so much she must surely love his belches, too?  Does she think he will want to hear his name screeched in that high-pitched nag she does so well the minute he walks in the door?  Wives would do well to remember that "a soft answer turneth away wrath."  Husbands would do well to remember that their home isn’t a locker room of guys.  Being polite takes so little effort, but pays enormous dividends in any relationship.  It tells your loved one that you regard them as someone deserving of your best you, which they are!

Love is Shared Interests

It is nice when individuals have hobbies and interests that they enjoy separately, it adds a richness to their family.  Her love of music and his love of sports doubly bless their children as they are given opportunities to explore both interests for themselves.  The more exposure they have to various interests, the more likely they are to become well-rounded adults, interested in many things.  But it is good, too, to have shared interests, as a family and as a couple.  Sure, he can humor her by taking ballroom dancing lessons, and she can humor him by learning to play golf, but they should try to find at least one thing that they both love to do, and then do it together often to strengthen their friendship and just enjoy being together.  Set aside a specific time, and honor that, look forward to it, make it special.  All too often couples set aside a Friday or Saturday night as a “date night” then end up using that time to take care of family needs, grocery shopping, attending church or school meetings, or driving the kids where they need to be. That time together, although it fills the need of being together, hardly fills the need for true relationship building. Even worse, many decide, “If all we’re going to do is shop for groceries, let’s not even bother; I’d rather do it by myself anyway.”

Love is Shared Values and Priorities

Part of being on the same path to the same destination is having shared values and priorities.  I am reminded of that old TV show “Green Acres” in which the husband took his high-society city wife to the country to live and run a farm.  It was good for lots of laughs as a sit-com scenario, but in real life it could create serious conflict.  It isn’t that one set of values and priorities is right and another wrong; it isn’t that one is better than another; but it works best if they are the same.  Suppose he likes a tidy house and she likes the lived-in feel.  He will always feel uncomfortable in his home and she will feel resentful if he tries to keep things picked up and put away.  Suppose his parenting style is one of high expectations and natural consequences, and she is laid-back, letting the children off the hook for their chores when they whine and refuse to help.  Instead of becoming responsible, the children will learn how to use that difference to their advantage.  Finances are a big source of conflict when values and priorities are not shared.  He wants to use the bonus for a vacation, while she wants to get new carpet; he wants to buy a new car while she wants new kitchen cupboards.  And then there is the question of having another child.  Dr. Laura has a good guiding principle: Unless both partners agree, the decision is “no.”  Perhaps the most important priority of all is each other.  You should be very high on each other’s list of priorities and show it by the time and effort you spend on each other and your relationship.  For this there can be no excuses, “As soon as I’m out of school, then you’ll be important to me.”  “When we get out of debt I won’t have to work so hard, then I’ll have time for you.”  “The kids really need me right now, when they get older I can pay more attention to you.”  Even if you never say it, your spouse knows how you feel, because you show her every day. And nothing brings more sadness to a relationship than for one or more of the individuals to realize he is not very important to his spouse.