Love is Shared Values and Priorities

Part of being on the same path to the same destination is having shared values and priorities.  I am reminded of that old TV show “Green Acres” in which the husband took his high-society city wife to the country to live and run a farm.  It was good for lots of laughs as a sit-com scenario, but in real life it could create serious conflict.  It isn’t that one set of values and priorities is right and another wrong; it isn’t that one is better than another; but it works best if they are the same.  Suppose he likes a tidy house and she likes the lived-in feel.  He will always feel uncomfortable in his home and she will feel resentful if he tries to keep things picked up and put away.  Suppose his parenting style is one of high expectations and natural consequences, and she is laid-back, letting the children off the hook for their chores when they whine and refuse to help.  Instead of becoming responsible, the children will learn how to use that difference to their advantage.  Finances are a big source of conflict when values and priorities are not shared.  He wants to use the bonus for a vacation, while she wants to get new carpet; he wants to buy a new car while she wants new kitchen cupboards.  And then there is the question of having another child.  Dr. Laura has a good guiding principle: Unless both partners agree, the decision is “no.”  Perhaps the most important priority of all is each other.  You should be very high on each other’s list of priorities and show it by the time and effort you spend on each other and your relationship.  For this there can be no excuses, “As soon as I’m out of school, then you’ll be important to me.”  “When we get out of debt I won’t have to work so hard, then I’ll have time for you.”  “The kids really need me right now, when they get older I can pay more attention to you.”  Even if you never say it, your spouse knows how you feel, because you show her every day. And nothing brings more sadness to a relationship than for one or more of the individuals to realize he is not very important to his spouse.