Love is Conversation

Emotional intimacy depends a great deal on a couple’s willingness and ability to share who they are, their opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes…  the more they share the deeper their level of intimacy.  It is a known fact, however, that women like to talk (some would argue, need to talk) much more than men do.  It can be painful for men to have to listen to all those words, those endless details of the experience she is recounting.  He is probably thinking, “Just cut to the chase; give me the bottom line; do you know how to make a long story short?”  On the other hand, she is uncomfortable with his grunts and short phrases, wishing he would share more, wondering why he doesn’t like to talk.  She may be thinking, “He doesn’t love me anymore.”  And so, here are a few hints to make conversation more effective and enjoyable.  TIMING: Do not try to have a conversation during a sporting event he is watching, or while she is calming a child in the middle of a melt-down.  Do not wake your partner up unless it is extremely important.  Do not try to have a conversation when either is feeling angry or frustrated, wait until things have calmed down a bit, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk?”  TIME: Ladies, do not burden him by your sharing, respect the fact that he cannot hear all you may want to say; learn to be concise, stay on point, and slow down enough to let him hear and absorb what you are saying.  If you are just venting, tell him so up front so he doesn’t feel the need to give you advice.  Men, it helps to be honest, “I’m sorry, I’m getting bogged down in the details, can you give me the Reader’s Digest version for right now?”  Try really hard to focus and listen; remember, she probably doesn’t need you to solve her dilemma, she just needs someone to listen to her while she works through it in her own mind.  Offer sincere words of encouragement and support.  If your mind is saturated, be honest about it, “Can we finish this in a little bit, I think I need time to let it all sink in.”  And then ladies, don’t take his honesty personally; be glad he is honest instead of resentful.  TOPICS: Remember the hierarchy of topics, beginning on the low end with people and moving up to events, and then ideas.  Talk about things you both enjoy discussing.  Men, your wife will be so thrilled if you initiate a conversation.  And if your are the one to start, you get to choose the topic.  ACCEPTANCE: Even if you disagree, you can learn so much about each other if you keep the discussion going in a calm and accepting way, seeking first to understand and then to be understood. Many a person learns to clam up when a spouse gets angry during a conversation or rejects their honest input. They will go away thinking, “I’m sorry I brought that up; I’ll never do that again.” That is devastating to a relationship, leading to less sharing, less intimacy.  Happy talk, one of the best things you can do for your relationship.