Love, True Love, is Real

There are those who believe there is no such thing as true love, that all these things I’ve talked about are just fantasy, the stuff of fairy tales or cheap romance novels. There are those who believe that matches aren’t made in heaven, that anybody can be happy with anybody else as long as they try hard enough.  Some even believe that there is no perfect match, you just have to settle for the best you can get.  But I know that there is such a thing as true love, it is real, and you can have it for yourself, if you really want it.  There is no need to settle, then try so hard to make it work it nearly kills you; I’ve been there, done that, and I’ll never do that again.  It isn’t about finding a good person, it is finding the right person.  It isn’t finding the perfect person, but it is finding the person that is perfect for you. The secret to finding him is to be your authentic self, the real, wonderful, amazing you.  Be patient, positive, and have faith that everything will work out, because it will. I know it.

Love is Evolving Together

One of the keys to a lasting relationship is that the couple evolve together.  Change is inevitable in individuals and that change naturally causes changes in the relationship.  But if the individuals support each other through the ebb and flow of change that takes place, if they can go with the flow instead of be buffeted by it, they become each other’s life jacket, growing stronger as they embrace the changes together.  Dr. Phil suggests that the success of a relationship can be measure by the degree to which the needs of each partner are being met.  And so as needs change and evolve, successful marriage partners keep up with the changing needs and continue to be sensitive and caring for their partner. And that is a mark of true love.

Love is Wanting the Same Kind of Relationship

I suppose that everyone who goes through a divorce ponders in their own mind, “What went wrong?”  For years leading up to my divorce I always assumed my failing relationship was my fault, that I wasn’t trying hard enough.  And so I tried harder.  But since the divorce, through all my reading, studying, and pondering of the “why,” I have come to believe, or at least suspect, that we didn’t even want the same kind of relationship.  I wanted a deeply emotional relationship, such as what I have talked about this month (and every February since I began this blog).  I think he was satisfied with a very superficial relationship, one more like a business agreement.  All too often my attempts to connect with him on a deeper level were met with dismissal, if not derision.  If he were asked, he would probably insist he was a very good husband, and I suppose by his definition and standard he was.  Yet I was starving for more than he was willing to give, wanting an entirely different kind of relationship.  While I was trying very hard to be the kind of wife I envisioned in the type of relationship I wanted, he expected the kind of wife he envisioned in the type of relationship he wanted.  And they were two very different things.  Although by my standard I was a very good wife, by his standard I failed miserably, he even told me so.  Yet when people are courting, and they talk about how many children they want, what kind of house they want… they don’t really talk about what kind of relationship they want.  They seem to think that it will somehow fall into an agreeable place on its own.  If you ask me, it is one of the most important topics for discussion.

Love is Conversation

Emotional intimacy depends a great deal on a couple’s willingness and ability to share who they are, their opinions, ideas, hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes…  the more they share the deeper their level of intimacy.  It is a known fact, however, that women like to talk (some would argue, need to talk) much more than men do.  It can be painful for men to have to listen to all those words, those endless details of the experience she is recounting.  He is probably thinking, “Just cut to the chase; give me the bottom line; do you know how to make a long story short?”  On the other hand, she is uncomfortable with his grunts and short phrases, wishing he would share more, wondering why he doesn’t like to talk.  She may be thinking, “He doesn’t love me anymore.”  And so, here are a few hints to make conversation more effective and enjoyable.  TIMING: Do not try to have a conversation during a sporting event he is watching, or while she is calming a child in the middle of a melt-down.  Do not wake your partner up unless it is extremely important.  Do not try to have a conversation when either is feeling angry or frustrated, wait until things have calmed down a bit, and then ask, “Is this a good time to talk?”  TIME: Ladies, do not burden him by your sharing, respect the fact that he cannot hear all you may want to say; learn to be concise, stay on point, and slow down enough to let him hear and absorb what you are saying.  If you are just venting, tell him so up front so he doesn’t feel the need to give you advice.  Men, it helps to be honest, “I’m sorry, I’m getting bogged down in the details, can you give me the Reader’s Digest version for right now?”  Try really hard to focus and listen; remember, she probably doesn’t need you to solve her dilemma, she just needs someone to listen to her while she works through it in her own mind.  Offer sincere words of encouragement and support.  If your mind is saturated, be honest about it, “Can we finish this in a little bit, I think I need time to let it all sink in.”  And then ladies, don’t take his honesty personally; be glad he is honest instead of resentful.  TOPICS: Remember the hierarchy of topics, beginning on the low end with people and moving up to events, and then ideas.  Talk about things you both enjoy discussing.  Men, your wife will be so thrilled if you initiate a conversation.  And if your are the one to start, you get to choose the topic.  ACCEPTANCE: Even if you disagree, you can learn so much about each other if you keep the discussion going in a calm and accepting way, seeking first to understand and then to be understood. Many a person learns to clam up when a spouse gets angry during a conversation or rejects their honest input. They will go away thinking, “I’m sorry I brought that up; I’ll never do that again.” That is devastating to a relationship, leading to less sharing, less intimacy.  Happy talk, one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

Love is Manners

Why is it that people are so polite to each other during the courtship period, even during the honeymoon period, and then gradually lose politeness until they treat strangers better than the very person they profess to love?  Does it just become too much trouble to say please and thank you?  Does he think she loves him so much she must surely love his belches, too?  Does she think he will want to hear his name screeched in that high-pitched nag she does so well the minute he walks in the door?  Wives would do well to remember that "a soft answer turneth away wrath."  Husbands would do well to remember that their home isn’t a locker room of guys.  Being polite takes so little effort, but pays enormous dividends in any relationship.  It tells your loved one that you regard them as someone deserving of your best you, which they are!